Agent Orange

You won’t find a more cunning fluffball on the face of the planet. Evil and calculating, Agent Orange has valiantly fought an ongoing crusade to destoy a patch of carpet at the upper landing in order to claim ownership of what will become, to the best of my knowledge, a prefecture of North Korea.

I’ve borrowed mom’s carpet cleaner to remove the stain and return balance to the universe. I had to use Oxyclean, which works fine but causes me to spend the next several hours yelling out introductions of everything in my best Billy Mays voice. The cat isn’t amused.

While cleaning, the cat attempted to trip me by sneaking underfoot, causing me to fall backwards in the attempt to avoid making squishkitty. It was a great plan, and would have killed me if I’d been at the top of the stairs instead of in one of the bedrooms to better clean the carpet. I looked at the cat and got the distinct impression that if she could talk, she’d say something evil and twirl her whiskers ala Snidely Whiplash.

After a good scrubbing with Oxyclean the stain still reeked a bit and a friend suggested that I try white vinegar. I didn’t want to, really, as the scent of white vinegar is just as bad as cat piss. I had no choice tho. I’m not sure how, but I’m almost positive that the cat is sneaking chemicals into the house, consuming them and using the powers of the occult to conjure up a noxious spray that could remove the paint off the space shuttle as it orbits overhead in space. That stench couldn’t stay, so I tried it. Amazingly the vinegar seems to have removed a good portion of the smell, and another quick wash with Oxyclean and the carpet was back to fresh-n-clean.

After cleaning I left the machine at the top of the landing because I’m both lazy and practical. I knew the game wasn’t over, so why haul the machine down only to haul it back up immediately? AO took the placement of the machine to be the creation of a DMZ and therefore an escalation of the ongoing arms situation.

Oh yes, this is going to end well.

Agent Orange seemed to have recieved new orders and some new chemicals, and that night her counter-attack took place. The bigger problem is that the initial dispersal isn’t nearly as bad as what becomes of the whole area about 12 hours after the attack. Even the dogs, who will gladly lick the garbage and anything else normally considered gross, had darted by the stain without breathing. Well, Shadow has learned that breathing there is a bad idea, as she only did it once, and then retched so badly I thought she was going to toss up her own hind end.

Agent Orange had won most of the rounds up till this, but I’d had enough of going to sleep with a clean carpet only to wake up to a permeating stench attempting to melt the television while simultaneously attempting to choke me out. But what to do? Oh Billy Mays, help me with your cleaning powers!

And then I had a wild idea. A Fucking Brilliant Planâ„¢, even. You see, Oxyclean is a powder that, when mixed with water, fizzes up and cleans stains. It’s the cleaning equivalent of Alka-seltzer. Or may Poprocks. (Anyone remember Poprocks?)

I cleaned the carpet again, and have run out of vinegar, so I just did the water pass then Oxy pass then water again and put the cleaner machine back as the sentry of the DMZ.

And then, I set a trap.

I sprinkled some of the dry crystals of Oxy on the area AO was most likely to hit that night.

Then I went to sleep.

Around 3:15 am I heard Agent Orange bound into the bedroom and jump onto the bed. (Yes, perhaps the funniest part of this us the cat’s need to be loved and protected by me while also continuing this war.)

I got up to check, and sure enough there was a small wet spot in the middle of the crystal-covered carpet. I think baking soda will work as well, and it seems that the chemical warfare stage of our battle is over.

Because now she sneaks up on me and bites my toe.






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