Zeus & Company Cuts: An Olympian Task

As you are well aware, the market share controlled by Zeus & Co. (NASDAQ: GODS) has been in steady decline. The Religious Mortal has steadily lost interest in the company since the founding of Christ, Inc., (NYSE: CRSS) and profitability has been decreasing for last few millennia. Recently, it seems that some of Z&C’s competitive advantages, specifically, having a god for everything, have come under fire from shareholders. The following restructuring was announced today:

Muse Reductions: While the ongoing use of their talents makes them relevant even in the world dominated by Christ, Inc. (Motto: I died, you can, too) some of their services have become redundant. As such, apparently all but two muses have been reduced, including the one convincingly played by Olivia Newton-John in Xanadu. Z&C stressed that “should creativity drop off in areas of the world, we may look at eventually re-hiring them, but no such argument can be made today.” This is especially true since AllahCorp’s subsidiary, IslamicHell, decided to expand it’s sales team to capture creative market in the Middle East by extending new ideas on warfare. (AllahCorp [NYSE: ISLM] and Christ, Inc. are both products of the anti-trust litigation that broke up TheONE, Inc. [NYSE: IHVA] several years ago.)

Titan Divestiture: With the collapse of its revenue streams, keeping a lid on the Titan Issue has been increasingly a concern for the company. Since the last millennium has brought huge slips in tithing and sacrifices, the company feels it can no longer assure control of this vital function. As such, a divestiture of the infrastructure has been sought, with bids coming from many sources, including, perhaps surprising, MormonCoOp, the small privately held Utah-based organization. Z&C expects to complete the sale before the end of the year.

Heroes-R-Us: Perhaps most surprisingly, given its relationship with parent company Z&C, HRU, the formerly high-rolling darling of Wall Street, has announced that it will be closing its doors on December 31, 2001. Due to the recent decline in its effectiveness, HRU (NYSE: HERO) is being dissolved and will no longer function as a separate entity. Effective immediately, HRU’s CEO, Hercules, and its COO, Perseus, will be relocated to Z&C’s headquarters. It’s expected that Hercules will be taking over as CEO, Perseus as CFO (Chief Fire Officer) and Zeus will be stepping back a bit to be Chairgod of the Board. It’s unclear whether Xena, Goddess of Immortal Resources (GIR), will have a position in the restructuring, but her offer to join the leadership of Sappho’s breakaway company, Lesbos Alliance, still stands. All outstanding shares of HERO will be purchased by Z&C at a 150% premium. Currently, General Electric’s NBC holds about 22% of HRU, and it’s unclear, given GE’s financial backing of Z&C through it’s GE Capital arm, how that ownership may be adjusted.

Hades Systems: The wholly owned subsidiary announced that it’s been completely restructured, again in the effort for a sale. Hades himself is said to be in charge of the effort, and will go with the company as part of the integration team, although it is expected that it will end that role with the completion of the integration. Hades will retain his seat on the board of Zeus & Co. While the bidding price is based on some of the perceived value for a non-traded entity, current bids have reportedly come in from IslamicHell, SatanCo. (The Christ, Inc. subsidiary) and Microsoft. With his company’s current market dominance, it is expected that Bill Gates will officially be the leader of Hades soon.

Communications: Due to the prayer shortage that has caused rolling blackouts at times, the Oracle of Delphi, another branch of Zeus & Co., will be reducing its workforce considerably. Most of the reduction will come from its efforts to digitize its organization and to use more of the Internet technologies. After the first of the year, questions for the OoD will have to posted by email to oracle@askthegods.com or you can log onto their web site, www.askthegods.com, to read the daily horoscopes. Other forms of communication, especially trips to subsidiary temples, will no longer be accepted, and pilgrimages to the actual Oracle of Delphi offices in Delphi will now be by invitation only. Requests to be invited are available on their site as well.

Romance: One area seemingly unaffected by the recent downturn is the romance area. Eros, God of Love, has been consistently leading this division to higher and higher profits, especially with it’s strategic alliance with Hallmark, Inc. Eros, aka Cupid, has even struck an alliance with rival Christ, Inc. and appears under the nom de plumecherub’ for many of Christ, Inc.’s holy pictures. Z&C issued tracking stocks for the Romance division (NYSE: LOVE) earlier this year. The stock was originally sold at $17.00 a share and has since risen to it’s close yesterday at $52.91; just off it’s 52-week high of $53.04.

As with any massive restructuring, some bumps are expected. Zeus & Co. has negotiated financing with General Electric’s GE Capital and will be looking closely at all it’s operations in the future.

[NOTE: This was originally posted to my old site, at a domain I’ve since sold (stupid me!) in 2001. Before blogs!]