Queen’s Diary – IONAZ November 2001

Scandalous behavior is what I’m all about. Some of you out there don’t appreciate my antics. Fine. I’m also aware of the judgmental bullshit you espouse daily, affirming your beliefs and your lifestyle and condemning mine. Get over yourself! We all have only one wish – to be laid so well we never leave the bed again.

Here’s the simplest form of scandal: Having your lover walk in on you getting pounded by the football star. Having his ex walk in behind him is even more scandalous. Having them join, now that’s a great scandal.

But scandal involving sex is easy. Scandal without sex is a tough one for most people. I’m not most people. For instance, when my friend OD’s on some random substance in my apartment! That means that I, a drag queen and the friend’s ex-hubby have to deal with 911. Worse, the ex- and the DQ are too busy “helping” so I have to drag my ratty, food-poisoned, 2:00 am-and-I’m-awake-for-this?-ass out to escort the Fire Department’s hottest members to my apartment. Oh so not cute. Scandal all around. Actually, it wouldn’t have been so bad, but I really was food poisoned and looked like death on three day old toast. And wow, the firemen were hot! So hot that the DQ’s make-up started to melt. I’m pretty sure we weren’t the most scandalous thing they’ve seen, but we weren’t far from it, believe me.

Thankfully that was a long time ago, almost two weeks. More scandals, to be sure, but the most recent involved my CEO on his birthday. He announced his birthday in front of the office like it was something we should prepare for, and I just couldn’t resist.

“Oh, it’s your birthday? Well, I’ll be sure to send your mother a sympathy card and a copy of ‘It’s Alive!‘ on VHS.”

Was it scandalous? Ask his mother, she got the tape.