Queen’s Diary – IONAZ April 2002

It’s always rather interesting to get away from the city, even if only for a short period of time. Recently, I had the wonderful chance to visit the wilds of Northern Maine, which, in case you’ve ever wanted to know, is about 1,000 miles north of the middle of nowhere. Nothing but trees and moose.

But it was interesting. Of course, outdoor sports are kinda fun, so you might as well do some. I decided to get back into skiing, which is part of the reason I went there. Some friends are there, and they say the skiing was great. Well, they’d never seen me ski. I was about halfway down the first run when I hit a tree. The forestry service tells me it might’ve survived the impact, but it would forever retain the imprint of my ass. Never mind that I hit it with my face.

Of course, skiing leads to the lodge, which is traditionally stocked with booze, warmed by a blazing fire, and filled with horny men. Thankfully the traditions were followed and the lodge was one big happy moment. I had forgotten all the wonderful things that happen when you get done skiing, which is why I hadn’t been in quite some time. Of course, next time I want to go, I think I will drive to Prescott or Flagstaff.

Being in Phoenix, thank god that skiing isn’t the only outdoor sport to be had. It does require snow, or at least water, so sometimes it’s not the sport to be in. I prefer to usually take part in other games, like tennis, or hiking, or one-on-one-combat-style-outdoor-sex. Generally, the O3C.S.O.S. involves rugged men with no regard for lube. This can be a dangerous sport. Many have been injured, some have never returned. I don’t think they ended up dead, I just don’t think they are done playing. I could be wrong, and if so, at least they went with a smile on their face.

Of course, being that this is Pride Month, you know there are some things you are going to do outside, even if you don’t get his name first.

So here are some things to think about while planning any outdoor excursion. Do remember to pack appropriately for wherever you are going. The leather pants are cute, but they don’t work in 100 degree heat, nor in -15 cold. Trust me on this, I know. Of course, also understand that while the good lord may have given lycra to the world, he didn’t necessarily intend for people shaped like the world to wear it. In fact, I think that’s the 11th commandment – If you are using lycra to contain your ass, you shouldn’t be wearing it. Period.

And pack a blanket. I don’t know who thought of the idea of sex on the beach, but it doesn’t matter. They were idiots. Sand in the crack is a bad thing, and it just ruins the lube. Besides, it’s not just the beaches that we are talking about here. Whether you are on the beach, in the forest, in the desert or on a snowdrift, have a blanket, you will need it. Just another FYI, condoms freeze. Who knew?

One last bit of outdoor knowledge that I should pass on – cactus are bad. You may think you are rolling around and having a hell of a good time, and ‘isn’t it amazing that there isn’t any dirt getting on the blanket,’ when you all the sudden feel several sharp pricks in your backside. Not the pricks of your other five boyfriends, I mean the ones on the cactus you just flattened. That’s right about the moment you realize that the blanket has shifted, you are now in the spotlight of the Park Ranger, who’s got this horrified look on his face, and your partner is convulsed in laughter as you try to heave him off so you can remove spines from your butt cheeks. But all in all, it’s good to be back home!