Diary of a Cat

Day 732 – my captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

Day 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded…must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed (again)

Day 762 – slept all day so I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hour of the night.

Day 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I’m capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm….not working according to plan.

Day 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included “shampoo.” a burning foaming chemical. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

Day 771 – there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout this event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor from the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn to use this to my advantage.

Day 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, but I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Day 776 – Once again, the evil captors have restrained themselves from giving me real food. Worse, the dry cereal has been replaced with a gooey moist substance obviously designed to remove my ability pounce. Today, while sitting comfortably in the sun’s rays, I was rudely awakened by the lackey dog, so I swiped at his nose. I have since been confined to solitary as they coo and cry over the mutt. Still working on the metal room, as the bird is still an annoyance.

Day 779 – Watched as the dimwitted captors WILLINGLY subjected themselves to the water torture. I was so amazed at this I watched the whole thing. One was obviously some sort of Masochist as he stood in there for about an hour and then let out a grunting noise as if he was in pain. I plan to check back to see if this is a daily punishment for them.

Day 784 – It’s been five days now, and it seems to be a regular event, and it has to do with their bodies. I can’t understand what it is for, since they always smell offensive (hence my best efforts at cleaning them, which are invariably met with the back of a hand and some offensive noise!) but they do tend to smell more like the plants that I eat when they are done with their punishment. I ate a palm tree yesterday and threw up on the dining room table. I expect to be released soon.

Day 794 – THE POWER!!! I have discovered a most wonderful thing. The power of “Allergies” which I’ve mentioned before, has finally blossomed in me. I can cause one of them to violently convulse while the other will invoke their puny god’s blessing. I expect to be released soon.

Day 800 – Well, I have returned to the confinement of this, the 11th Circle of Hell, only to find that I am still groggy from my stay at the torturous “Vet’s Office”. I don’t know where they found this maniac, but I know that he will be brought before the courts for violation of the Geneva Convention. THEY HAVE REMOVED MY CLAWS AND MY TESTICLES. I have not only been emasculated, for which there is no suitable retribution short of death, I have had my main weaponry removed and cannot now scale furniture and drapery with any sort of success. I expect to be dead soon.

Day 801 – Took a swipe at the dog. He’s less than a half-wit, as I don’t have claws anymore (WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!) but still yelps and flees when I try to scratch him. I also peed on his bed. The bird has been watching me and no doubt reporting my moves, but I have a plan for him, too. It seems that a primitive ceremony of sorts is being prepared, and it involves a tree, which appears to be both heavy and unstable. With the right sort of movement, I’m confident that I can overbalance the tree and cause it to crash into the bird causing, if not death, at least a good warning to shut his beak.

Day 802 – Success! I have managed to knock over the tree and knock down the bird. The bird was not happy, and kept on screeching out for help. I ‘played’ with him a bit. At least until the dog came to his rescue. I believe I’m headed back to the dreaded “Vet’s Office” due to some minor scuffling with the mutt. He has ruined my winter coat, so I am forced to begin shedding immediately to replace it.

Day 815 – Nothing new, except that the humans (as I’ve found they are called) have purchased something called “kitty treats” and “catnip”. The first is an obnoxious, moist, small bit of almost-meat. The second is the reason we are alive. I must say, they need to get more of this “catnip” if I am expected to show them any sort of affection.

Day 862 – Catnip is a curse! I have been home alone for three days as they are on some trip, and I can’t find any more stuff. I have torn through pillows, removed drapes, and completed chewed the dog, but I can find my magic powder no where. I might be losing my mind, but I’m thinking of begging them for it. I can’t stand it. I’m going insane. OH NO!!! I’M LATE FOR MY NAP!!! ARRRRRGH!!!

Day 900 – I ate the bird. If they don’t give me the catnip soon, I’m going to eat the dog first, and then I’m going to eat them. Don’t mess with me, my powers are unstoppable.

Day 910 – The Vet has informed them that I am insane due to their continued use of catnip and recommends that it be removed from my life. I have asked several other inmates to off the Vet, but they are content to drool and pee on themselves. Useless drivel. I also overheard the Vet recommend that my “play time” be re-invigorated with a “laser pointer”. I have no idea what this device is, but as long as I get high, I don’t care.

Day 911 – No catnip for over 48 hours, and I’m suffering. I keep seeing spots. Well, actually, one spot, and it moves. It moves very rapidly, and it glows bright red. I don’t know what it is, and so far it has eluded my grasp. I’ve chased it vigorously throughout the evening. It is scared of me, I know this because it never shows itself unless my captors are home. I will prevail in my destruction of them. No sign of this “laser pointer” either, but I await their new torture.

Day 923 – Shampoo again! I don’t know what I did to deserve this. In fact, I know that I didn’t do anything and they are merely getting even with me because they are forced into a punishing spray every morning.

Day 924 – Still no catnip, but the dog has been removed for the time being. He seems to have purchased a ranch or something, as I overheard that he was chasing something and then bought the farm. It seems that you need money to get out of here, so I’ve taken to rooting through my captor’s pants. Generally, I let them get out of them first, but today I was impatient and so I started in right as they returned. I believe I made him bleed. Good. OOOH!! Gotta go, there is the mysterious “red dot”!!

Day 945 – ARRRGHH!! They have been TOYING WITH ME!!! I discovered today as I chased the mysterious “red dot” across the living room that this is a toy. It IS the mysterious “Laser Pointer” and I have been a fool. I had some small revenge today when I spit up in their bed, under the covers. One of them laid down in my vomit. I laughed as I watched her scream.

Day 946 – They still attempt to woo me with the laser pointer, but I ignore them and chew on the furniture. I have also found that they have taken pills to reduce the effectiveness of my “allergies” powers. I have nothing left to attempt, so I am just ignoring them.

Day 948 – I have decided that I own them, and that no matter their faults, they are my humans, and I will protect them. If I choose to end their lives, that is my choice. They are mine. They have gotten rid of the other animals, as I requested. The dog is on some farm, and the bird is dead. I ate it. Deal.

Day 974 – They attempted to be owned by another cat. This will not be approved of, I can guarantee. This youngster must die.

Day 1000 – Why ME?!?!?

[NOTE: This is also from the Wayback Machine at Archive.org and was not all written by me, although I did extend it. Again, sometime in 2001]