Corporate America should change

I was chatting with my friend Thomas about the world and how stupid it really is when lawyers sue for every possible thing, and, like all good people, he agreed. Our conversation was a bit long, and I was going to post it here, but thought better of it, and then rethought it out and realized, excerpting it would work fine. So here it is, enjoy!

[me] I think I shall have to start announcing the people I consider to be my Henchmen

[me] or rather, Men of Hench

[Thom] lol Men of Hench?

[Thom] awesome

[me] yes, Men of Hench

[Thom] why must you start announcing that?

[me] people that we want working for us, as they are so creatively blatantly brilliant but not necessarily nice or subtle

[me] because, I think it’ll be fun

[me] I already announce my minion

[me] minions

[Thom] heheheh

[me] and I’m thinking of promoting some minions to Men of Hench

[me] that would be fun, so when I have my company, we have real titles that mean something

[Thom] that’d be great

[me] you can be Thomas Gagnon, IT Overlord

[me] the team leaders are the Men of Hench

[Thom] oooh overloard. i like it

[me] or Women of Hench

[Thom] henchwenches

[Thom] heh

[me] although, perhaps, Wench of Hench would be cool, too

[me] lol

[Thom] lol

[me] it’s weird how we think alike

[Thom] yeah haha

[me] and then the crew are Minions

[Thom] i like it

[me] I think it shall be fun

[me] and our Human Resources shall be called “Inhuman Resources”

[me] and they shall harvest organs

[Thom] ooh craft time!

[Thom] heh

[me] lol

[Thom] underling resources

[me] yeah, something like that

[me] underlings?

[me] Minion Mining

[Thom] yes!

[me] we’ll have an employment contract that states something like “we only hire adults, which means you have to act like one at all times (unless you’re playing a baby in a film, or something similar) and should feel sexually harassed, you should announce it right there in front of everyone else in the office; if you drink at a company function, it’s your call and therefore your fault should you then wreck your car – you are an adult; you agree to be an organ donor, too, and we will inspect your license to make sure it’s check as such; you will not hold the company liable for your stupidity, up to and including your inability to function in a workplace that is fun and exciting and rather bleeding edge on the social scale – in other words, you’ve seen every movie by Mel Brooks, and you can and will recite any of the funny outrageous lines from said movies in the office and to your co-minions who shall do the same to you; if you’re black and use the n-word, you shall not get your panties in a knot if a cracker does the same; if you’re gay and call yourself a faggot, expect to hear it again from someone other than a cocksucker – again, you’re an adult, if you have a problem with someone else’s action, don’t run to Minion Mining, they’ll just take a lung. Stand up, say something, and work it out. That’s what being an adult means, and we only hire adults. So there. Nyah!

[Thom] hahaha

[Thom] i love it

[me] so I might post this conversation on my blog

[me] because that would be fun

[Thom] fine by me

[me] excellent

[Thom] heheh

[Thom] if only more workplaces had that outlook

[Thom] today amme was saying she hadn’t heard the phrase “PC” until a couple years ago. I told her thats because the world we live in used to make a little more sense.

[Thom] it was a slightly less sue-happy world with far fewer people walking around with their heads stuck up their asses

[me] right

[me] the bigger problem has always been that when anything is ‘hurt’ lawyers try to sue

[Thom] exactly.