First Times

[WARNING:Mom, you probably don’t want to read this one.] So you’ve spent some time reading this magazine. (Yes, Instinct considers what you do when you’re not looking at the half-naked studs “reading.”) And, really, why not have a good time while you are here, right? Unfortunately, we Instinct-ers have found that most of you horny […]

Love and Lust, or is it Luv and Lost?

[WARNING:Mom, you may not want to read this one, either.] Ok, so seeing as how I’m now the “Resident Sex Fiend” here at this mag, I was given a challenge. The Editor-in-Chief asked if I would know love from a hole in the ground. I most definitely would, since I have actually fallen in love […]

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

[WARNING: Mom, you won’t really want to read this. Just FYI.] Resident Sex Fiend, Kevin Hamm, is Ordered to Not Have Sex, and Instead Spends His Time Coming Up with Some Substitutes for Nookie. He Didn’t Like Writing this Article One Bit. Suppose that you were told you couldn’t have sex. None. Nada. Zilch. No […]

Anatomy of the Party

Understanding the basic anatomy of the party. We at Instinct realize that some of you don’t have this issue, that you intrinsically understand the dynamics of the party, and feel completely comfortable moving throughout the room without care for which clique you are entering or exiting, because, really, you are the social butterfly. (In Spanish, […]

Queen’s Diary – IONAZ April 2002

It’s always rather interesting to get away from the city, even if only for a short period of time. Recently, I had the wonderful chance to visit the wilds of Northern Maine, which, in case you’ve ever wanted to know, is about 1,000 miles north of the middle of nowhere. Nothing but trees and moose. […]

Queen’s Diary – IONAZ February 2002

Another damn Valentine’s Day and I’m single. I have never, ever, in all my time on the planet EVER had a significant other come Valentine’s Day. Of course, he’s never come because he doesn’t exist. I like to think I’m fairly nice and kind of responsible, outgoing, fun, funny and humane, but for some reason […]

Queen’s Diary – IONAZ December 2001

Wow, we’ve just survived the biggest gathering of the year, and we are about to go into it’s only real rival. We’ve made it through Thanksgiving, with the family, the turkeys, and that big cooked bird. And, if you are anything like me, you’ve had way more than your share of desserts. So what’s a […]

Queen’s Diary – IONAZ November 2001

Scandalous behavior is what I’m all about. Some of you out there don’t appreciate my antics. Fine. I’m also aware of the judgmental bullshit you espouse daily, affirming your beliefs and your lifestyle and condemning mine. Get over yourself! We all have only one wish – to be laid so well we never leave the […]

Queen’s Diary – IONAZ October 2001

Well, I finally heard those three little words. You know the ones, those three words that we all want to hear. Even if we won’t admit to it, we all want to hear those three little words. It’s like reaching the mountain top when someone whispers them to you while running his hand down your […]

Queen’s Diary – IONAZ September 2001

Another six month check up, where I only check for one thing: The ring on my doctor’s finger. He checks me out, but only for diseases. Whatever. Ok, how tacky is this? They gave me a questionnaire about my sex life. “How often do you have sex?” “How often do want to have sex?” “Have […]

Diary of a Cat

Day 732 – my captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may […]

Zeus & Company Cuts: An Olympian Task

As you are well aware, the market share controlled by Zeus & Co. (NASDAQ: GODS) has been in steady decline. The Religious Mortal has steadily lost interest in the company since the founding of Christ, Inc., (NYSE: CRSS) and profitability has been decreasing for last few millennia. Recently, it seems that some of Z&C’s competitive […]