Understanding the basic anatomy of the party. We at Instinct realize that some of you don’t have this issue, that you intrinsically understand the dynamics of the party, and feel completely comfortable moving throughout the room without care for which clique you are entering or exiting, because, really, you are the social butterfly. (In Spanish, “Mariposa Social” or “Social Fag,” but I digress). But for the rest of you, gentle readers, the ones who actually read the articles I suspect, you might want this handy guide to a party. There are two parts, the first being a map to who is who, the second being a guide to being who you want at the party. Good luck and have fun~!
In Flight Organizer
The IFO, as we like to call her, is a superficial Queen and usually the person that organizes the party. She doesn’t sit for more than a minute, runs from room to room commenting on everything, usually in the negative, and she has the panache to get hundreds of people who don’t even like her to show up at her parties. She is a big girl, and we mean that in the meanest possible way. Usually decked out in bright, obnoxious colors, accented with the latest pink pashmina. We hate her and she really annoys us, but since she also provides alcohol, we put up with her. I fully recommend getting a martini the moment you walk through the door, she is accommodating yet annoying. WARNING: Sleeping with the IFO is not mandatory for the free liquor, and can cause you to be axed from the future party list due to bitterness.
This would be the queen that you only see at one of the IFO’s shindigs. Why? We don’t really know, but suspect that Schmutzie, whom everyone really loves, is the reason that some people stay after the free liquor has disappeared. This boi is the one that has nothing but nice things to say, usually is seated on one side of the leather couch, legs crossed, with a drink in hand. Always has the IFO to get him another drink, even if he hasn’t finished the current drink, so he rarely moves. Knows all the dirt on everyone, so if you’ve missed the latest gossip, sit next to him. He won’t say it in evil, bitter and bitchy ways, but he will say it. Always single, but constantly on the lookout for a husband. WARNING: Sleeping with the Schmutzie will get you a double-flush, although they do make nice house pets.
The Party Mouse
Also called the Wallflower, but since we think the band is hot, we had to find another name. The PM is divided into two subcategories – A & B. The PMB (Party Mouse: Boring) is just quiet and mousy, the innocent bystander. PMA’s (Party Mouse: Asshole), however, want you to think they are innocent bystanders. They are only quiet because they are guilty of something and if they open their mouths, they will spill it. Both types of PM can usually be found standing next to the couch, opposite of Schmutzie, with a drink in one hand and some frufru appetizer on a napkin in the other. Generally, they drink beer, we don’t know why. Although sometimes you can pick them out right away, PM’s do have a stealth mode, and you have to watch your back to make sure they have not snuck up behind you to ogle your buns o’ steel. That’s your man, and you need to keep the PM away from him. WARNING: PMA’s are hiding something and PMB’s are, what else, boring, so you take your reputation into your own hands when messing with either of them.
The PD is the silly fag who constantly interrupts himself when he overhears something about someone he knows. This person is always craning his neck around looking at another group of people, and listening in on your conversation. Never mind that he will eventually stop over to tell you something he heard, he is really not the most fun at the party. He will, however, have the best new dirt, so if you can’t stand to sit with Schmutzie, grab your wingtips and follow the PD around as he digs up random material ruin the lives of countless fruits. WARNING: Sleeping with a PD is always a random sport as he will stop sex to listen for a sound he just heard, even if you have him tied up.
Hipper than Thou’s
The HTT’s are always groups of no less than three and have been known to exceed the population of Des Moines. Why? No one really knows, but we suspect that it’s because they always want to show off the latest fashions from Calvin Klein, Abercrombie & Fitch and Dolce & Gabanna, and cross-dressing is not an option. This group of fiends will usually be holding the same drink, the same sneer, and the same opinion on everything. Should an HTT Drone become separated from the main pack, they are dissed and shunned until such time as they return with either new clothes or the look on their face that says they almost stained their Tommy undies while shagging in the bathroom. WARNING: Unless you have the backbone or baseball bat to smack the crap out of these lippy bitches, don’t bother sleeping with an HTT drone. They’re all bottoms anyway.
Not to be confused with the HTT’s, the Hipsters are strictly a pair, and generally joined at the hip, although not always side by side. This is the couple of queens that defy all the odds and actually have a long-term relationship that seems to last beyond all reason. They don’t fight in public, they don’t diss each other behind their backs, and they don’t sleep around. Sometimes, in the wrong lighting, you can mistake them for a straight couple. Generally they attend parties to “remember what it was like before they found happiness” or “to help others see that it’s possible”. Quite frankly, they have the tendency to be the most annoying of the lot, but they are incredibly cute together and you just want to pinch their cheeks. Not those cheeks, you freak! WARNING: Sometimes a meltdown is in the works, and you will be propositioned by one half of the Hipsters – avoid this as you will be the reason the relationship ended and everyone else will hate you. Unless his dick is really big, then fuck it, and have fun~!
The Slutty Bitch
This girl is the one that everyone knows inside and out and outdoors. He has slept with at least 50% of the party, but denies it. He works with at least one of the fags throwing the bash and was only invited because someone spilled the beans while he was sucking them off at lunch on Tuesday. What some people won’t due to increase their tip! The SB is easily recognized by the too small shirt and tight plastic pants they currently wear. Right now their pants are so tight you can see the stretch marks on their assholes, so you know who they are as soon as they turn around. WARNING: Oh, forget it, you’ve already had her, if you need to be warned again, you deserve what you get.
Schmoe is the guy you don’t know, who no one else can identify, but who is at the party none the less. You never get introduced to him, and he constantly looks like he is looking for someone to arrive shortly. He wears a beige shirt with black pants, and a brown belt, and might even be playing for the other team. Everyone at the part assumes he just got lost on his way to some gathering of nerdy breeders and hasn’t clued in yet. He is generally balding and sitting opposite Schmutzie on the couch. This is the one person that will cause Schmutzie to say bitter mean things, so it’s always fun to have him at a party, just don’t be the one who actually brought him. WARNING: You never know which team he plays for, and really, you don’t want to be fucking the Schmoe. Bad Fag!
The Breeder Honoraria
The BHs are the breeders invited to the party because they invariably have the sensibility of fags, they just don’t enjoy butt-sex. Go figure. The BHs have the ability to mingle and bitch and kvetch with the best of us, and they generally have lived with or are related to one of the queers throwing the party, although usually not the IFO. They are witty, dress well, and the man is usually hot enough that he has to be protected from SBs at the party who keep trying to touch his ass. WARNING: Don’t even try it, if you do, YOU are the SB at the party!
The Empress of Attitude
The EA generally sweeps into the party and announces that she needs a drink. He is dressed to the nines in a snappy ensemble that looks to be put together from the runways of Gucci or a random garage sale. Either way, the eclectic look and the attitude are the signature signs of the EA. Never underestimate his ability to accessorize, and never nag about what he’s wearing. The quickest way to whiplash is to say something about her outfit. The EA will look you up and down, list out the designer or manufacturer of everything you are wearing, it’s current price, the season it was introduced, the last time it was seen in a fashion magazine and how much you overpaid for it. And then she will comment on your flabby ass, just to watch you squirm. The EA is generally well liked by the PD and is always in the know about all your drama, and unlike the PD, who only tells small groups at a time, the EA loves a large audience for flogging uppity fags. WARNING: Sleep with the EA as often as you like, but note that if you wear the same brand of underwear the second time she will accuse you of not changing them.
The Bon Motts
For those of you who know what it means, it’s not the same when referring to a party guest. “Bon Motts” is just a nice term, but we abbreviate it to BM, which, if you are familiar with the term, is actually the people we are talking about. The BMs are the people you could do without at a party, or so you think. They do serve a few purposes. The BMs are the first topic of the PD, the EA will eat them for lunch, and not in the nice way, and even the BHs avoid them, as if some form of self preservation alerted them to danger. BMs generally dress to impress and miss the mark wildly, and often look like their own special pride parade all by themselves. Generally anyone in rainbow suspenders or with tie-dyed jeans is a BM, and they generally travel in packs of three. WARNING: Enter at your own risk!
The Queen Bee
The QB is, of course, the person who actually throws the party. The IFO does all the organizing and buys all the liquor, but the QB actually has the place to have the party. The QB also has the brain power to lock the bedroom doors before anyone arrives so that any unnatural acts are either in the bathroom or outside. Unless, of course, it’s one of THOSE parties, and then the unnatural acts can occur anywhere. The QB is noted for her ability to find the perfect house to live in on a daily basis, and party in on a semi-daily basis. All her furniture matches, and should you break something, you best have home-owners insurance because otherwise she is going to take it out of your hide. Although, considering his rumored prowess, that might be fun, too! WARNING: It is not considered impolite to refuse an offer of sex from the QB, just know that you might not be invited back to the parties for a while, either.
[NOTE: This was originally written for Instinct Magazine, this was published sometime in late 2001 or early 2002, I don’t know which. I can’t tell on their site, either, as the stuff from back then is gone.]